Blog updated once in a long time

Recently, I felt so tired

It had been a long time since I updated my blog

I was so busy with doing my revision

AS exam is going now but I still update my blog.

Ewww feel so guilty~ Why am I still wasting my time?

But I just want to say out something in my heart

Since people think I am annoying

Yea I know I am so I write it here

I don't know what my life is. How my life is.

Because of the exam, I have been working so hard.

Actually I was quite shocked with what I did because I didn't be so hardcore even during SPM

But then the life is so lifeless.

Everyday I go to class until 4pm. After classes, I come back and take my shower.

Then, go to college again to continue my revision.

That's my life now!!!

I want to play! I want to hang out! I'm tired with this life!

Although it's quite a suffer life for me, it pays.

I got my trial results and it really improved ALOTS!

However, I am not satisfied with it.

As I mentioned before, I got 2C and 2E during semester one.

Now, I got ABC. ( I dropped further maths. )

Should I be happy? hmm Okay, I am quite happy with it.

At least my hard work pays.

But!!! I'm getting more and more lazy after the trial, after the breaks.

I can't focus as what I was before the trial.

I can't be so hardcore as what I did before the trial.

Just don't know why!!!

Actually I'm very scared with the exam.

I want to get 3As. Even if I can't get 90s and above, 80s are enough for me.

I do not want to retake. I do not want to get any Bs.

I'm serious!!! What should I do? :(

I screwed up my papers two of both Chemistry and Physics.

I really don't want to get a C for Physics.

I should be working even harder, right? I can, right?

July is coming soon. I have to start and prepare my university application.

Overseas? Twinning program? Local?

I don't know. I afraid that I can't survive in overseas.

I always stick to home. Stick to my parents, my family.

My English is so poor. Poor grammar. Poor vocab.

Even I want to go, I don't know how to write my personal statement.

I don't know whether can I pass my IELTS.

Going to overseas need a lot of money too.

I don't think my parents can afford me anymore after I came to Taylor's.

Sometimes I spent a lot and yea I am so guilty.

Nowadays economics is not so good anymore. My family faces a lot of problems too.

So, twinning program? But optometry course in Malaysia does not have twinning.

That is based on my research on the internet. Sign.

Local? People said if I went to A level, it is a waste if I stay at local university.

This made me in a dilemma. I do not know how to choose.

I scare that the decision will make me regret forever. I can't screw up my choice!

Sometimes I just wish there's someone beside me.

Sometimes I just wish he's still here and care for me.

I need someone to care for me. And know all of my feelings.

No matter it's happy or sad. That is just all I want.

Between, I don't love him anymore. He's just another stranger in my life.

I will never ever care him anymore. Anything about him. The one who hurt me so much.

Maybe...Just maybe.. I will suddenly miss you for sometime but I never want him back.

I promised myself I will never fall in love during this exam year.

But...but....

I suddenly found out that I got some feeling towards my classmate.

I know it's ridiculous and I don't know why too!!!

I hate secret love since I can't tell him any of my feelings.

How if I failed? We will never be friends anymore?

NOOO!!! I do not want this!

It is so funny that I keep thinking that he likes me too...

That is the reason that I hate to like someone.

Thinking too much really causes so much problems.

It affects my emotions. It makes me cannot concentrate.

Owh I hate this so much... But I really want to know what he thinks.

I should've banged the wall. I shouldn't think this during this urgent moment!!!

I have to study!!! Stop that TZY!!! Wake up please!!!

Another problem is about the another stupid guy.

I don't know why I care for him so much but I know I can't lose this friend.

He considers important for me because we share the same interest

We like K-Pop too. We like some love movies too.

But, can't we just be friends? I just don't want to get hurt again

I admit that I got some feeling to him too but be with him, I don't have any 'an quan gan'.

I scare I will be hurt like what I had been faced before.

He was a flower-heart guy. ( I don't know now whether he is or not. )

He flirts too many girls. He told many girls that he liked them. Of course, he told me too

He told me he likes me for almost two years. He told me he just likes me. Just want me.

No matter what I had said. Not to wait for me. Not to like me please.

He still said the same thing again and again.

However, I can't feel his true-heart. He didn't phone me before.

He only told me this on FB chat. And only told me once in a while.

So I choose not to believe. Until now, I still don't want to believe.

Whenever he asked me for an outing, I declined and gave so many stupid reasons.

I know I am so over and he even argued with me because of this.

Am I really that bad? How if he is really that sincere to me?

Am I hurting him too? That's making me so guilty and don't know what to do.

That day, finally I told him about the feeling to my classmate.

I told him that because I don't want to hurt him

I don't mean to hurt anyone. All of them are important in my life.

My family, my friends...

He got angry.. I think so... He didn't reply me...Whatever I sent...

Again... I know I become the bad person...

Whenever we argued, I was the bad one. It's all my fault.

I know I'm too over, right? I shouldn't say that to him, right?

But if I didn't say that, should I just let him continue flirts me? Really?

Love, how a complicated thing in this world.

I'm so tired of this. Problems, can you just get lost from my life?